baby sleep, trusting God and other things i’m not so good at anymore

It’s not miraculous but Greg slept for nearly 4 hours last night before he woke up, and I only had to get up three times (and I didn’t fall asleep in his room)! The last few weeks have been especially frustrating, with him not sleeping more than 45 minutes at a stretch unless he is in my arms. I have been researching everything in my desperate search for answers: how to get him to go to sleep, to sleep longer, change sleep associations and all while not letting him cry. It was comforting to find some blogs of other moms who are facing similar, if not worse, situations than mine, but in the end, it just prolongsmy misery and self-pity.

I am discovering that child-rearing is something everyone has opinions about. if your child doesn’t conform to what appears to be normal, two things happen: you get people’s pitiful smiles and you get their advice or speculations a to what is wrong. Much of this is from friends and family with good intentions. But mostly it serves to make you feel inadequate: what is wrong with me/my kid, that I can’t make him do this??

At the same time, when I am dealing with an issue such as Greg’s sleep, I find that I want something, anything to go on to know I’m not alone or crazy. I’d try anything once to see if it helped. To be able to say the magical words, “yes he sleeps through the night!”

So last night, I was looking up what others had done to help with nursing to sleep, and I silently prayed, Jesus please just help Gregory stay asleep tonight. And I heard his response to me very clearly: you don’t want my help. You want to do it yourself.

And it was just so true. I have been, ever since Gregory was born practically, trying to make things happen on my own and when there was success, I always attributed it to something I did. Or when his sleeping or eating or behavior have been miserable, needing to find an explanation and solution. Very rarely in my prayers for him, have I asked the Lord to help with our daily struggles.

Isn’t he the Lord of heaven and earth? Isn’t he all-powerful, holding the universe together? He cares for the sparrows and the flowers. As his child, he knows my needs intimately, and the little details matter to him. Why have I thought that this was an impossible struggle that I had to face myself?

We do this with so many little things in our lives, don’t we? It seems easier to try to ‘figure things out’ instead of asking God to get involved in our daily struggles.

I had to ask myself why that is…. do I not really believe that my prayer will be heard? Do I not fully believe that God is able to do what I need? I must not.

These feelings of doubt inadvertently affect other areas of life too. I hesitate to have people over sometimes because I fear their judgments of how I do things in my home. I find it hard to introduce myself to new people, let alone share the gospel with them. I want to be a fountain of life to my son, my family, friends, church and to everyone I meet – not a drain, a complainer, a ball of insecurity and fear. I need to be able to share my life, shortcomings and fears and all, not worry what they will think when I do. You never know who might need to hear your story.

I know my God is able to help me, and I believe he cares. Lord, help me to trust you more. Help me to believe when my struggle seems impossible, so much that I don’t even ask you to step in. Forgive me for putting limitations on your power! And Lord, help my baby learn to sleep without my help, and give me wisdom to know what to do.

fountains

what will it take to finally be happy?

More money?

More sleep?

More fame?

More respect?

When will you have enough?

Enough time.

Enough love.

Enough convenience.

Enough stuff.

Enough credentials.

Ask: Am I enjoying my life to its fullest, no matter where I find myself?

Do I truly live like I believe God is in control, and he is a loving God?

Do the ones I love love to be around me? how can I show them more that they are special to me?

Can I stop thinking about the problems, just for a moment.

Stop worrying and just smile.

Stop complaining and needing perfection, from myself and others.

Spend less time finding solutions, and more time on my knees.

Love when I don’t feel the emotion.

Each day, can I instead become a fountain, even just for a little bit, for one conversation, for one person, for one activity, a fountain of joy, hope welling up to eternal life.

Because I want to give life, not take it.

I want to be a source of joy to others, even in the midst of my own pain.

I want to be a fountain. Not a drain.

Family on Mission

Psalm 127:3-4
3 Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.

Missional has been a big buzz word in the evangelical community in the last several years. I think the view has lots of merit, obscured by lots of folks who have tried to be “missional” at the expense of the gospel.

But I read something a few weeks ago that challenged me. In a group study we’ve been going through, the story of Abraham was used as an example of being sent, which is essentially what being missional is. Living a “sent” life. The author said this:

“throughout Scriptures we see God calling his followers to live a life of “sentness.” Stability, social comfort, relational control, safety, success, respect, or clarity were not expected. People had to go purely out of obedience, a personal sense of calling, in faith, and simply because they loved God. Outcome didn’t matter; faithfulness did. […] in each of the letters from Paul we observe the early faith communities facing many tensions related to being sent. There’s no way to say it gently: spreading God’s blessing to the world does not come easy.”

While I am really jazzed about going through the study and hopefully coming out on the other side with deeper understanding and friendships, I confess that being missional terrifies me. I would much rather just go about my business, do my own projects, and have coffee with a close friend than go across the street and talk to a neighbor who is a complete stranger. In fact, my husband had to literally tell me to get up off the couch to go next door to talk to our neighbors, who were conveniently having a yard sale on the day that this whole topic of reaching out came up.

Chatting up strangers isn’t usually my idea of a good time – I am a stay at home mom, right? After reading this raw and motivating section, my first thought was: How does raising a family fit in with being missional? If I constantly have to remind myself to reach out, to bless others, to serve in ministry both in church and on the street, in order to fulfill the gospel, where does raising my son fit in? Do we simply drag him along to all of our help the homeless/Wednesday night church events? The last thing I want is for us to be there every time the doors are open onl to watch him reject what we believe.

When I read that passage I just felt like the work that I so earnestly feel God calling me to – be at home with my kids – somehow might not fit in with a missional faith. Can I raise a family and also be sent to the world?

Then I remembered what Doug said. A couple at our old church in Tampa had seven kids. Yep, seven. From 24 all the way to age 3. They are the butt of many jokes about inviting them over for dinner, and they have been known to make a few jokes themselves about baby number 8. They homeschool, raise chickens, do theater groups – the whole nine yards. Josh and I have been influenced by them in many little ways, conversations, just watching the godly young men and women that their children are, seeing that it can be done! And when Doug shared his testimony last year, he encouraged parents to not possess their children, but rather to remember the analogy about having a “quiver full.”

When his oldest daughter went to Alaska for the summer to work with kids at a Christian camp, he was sending her out to serve the Lord.

When his oldest son got married and worked as a nurse, he was sending him out to serve the Lord.
His kids weren’t his to possess. Rather, they were God’s children. He and his wife had been entrusted with them to care for them and bring them up to serve the Lord. That was part of their work in the kingdom. This is also my work in the kingdom.

As a parent, and especially as a mom, you are ‘sent’ first to your spouse and your kids. To demonstrate Christ to them as you serve (I’ve also been reading a lot of things on service lately…). Then all of you are sent to your community in the body of Christ and your community in the world. This includes your kids! They are arrows in your quiver, little disciples who the holy spirit can work through, whether they are 6 or 16 or 26.

I am a stay at home mom. And I have kingdom work. I am sent to my child. Our family is sent to the world.

 

What my days tend to look like… only I got a shower this day.

Note: I started writing this over a month ago, and even now as I post it, I must confess I feel like a big phony. I state things with confidence because I so earnestly need to believe them myself. But the truth is that I still grapple every day with what this mission really is, what it looks like in my life. Some days it looks like reading bible stories and making homemade dessert to go with dinner and getting my cleaning done and researching good deals on coupon websites. Other days it looks like holding greg and staring out the window together because I have tried to put him down three times and every time he screamed. And debating the deep things of life, like ‘does couponing really save more money?’ And ‘i hope I am getting enough calcium to keep feeding this little guy…’ All that to say, many times our daily work that we muddle about in, endlessly questioning, IS our kingdom work, pure and simple. I am pretty sure I fail every day to be Jesus in all his grace and love to my son, but it doesn’t mean I give up; rather I have to stop, ask God for forgiveness and more grace to deal appropriately with whatever we are facing. And that is what ‘sent-ness’ is today.

Look and Live

Sometimes I think that God gave us so many stories about the Israelites grumbling because it would make us feel better about ourselves – why couldn’t they just stop complaining? Geez! God was feeding them from heaven, leading them by a cloud that they could physically see, and delivered them from all their bondage and enemies. What more did they need!

 

But when we admit it, we could say the same thing about ourselves… Why can’t I just stop complaining and trust in God? Don’t I see all that he is doing? Sure it’s a mystery sometimes, but I mean come on – God is clearly at work. And yet I grumble.

 

One such story began with complaining and ended with an awesome response of God’s salvation. In Numbers 21, the Israelites were getting impatient and “…spoke against God and against Moses, “Why have you brought us up out of Egypt to die in the wilderness? For there is no food ad no water, and we loathe this worthless food” (vs 4-5). Ouch.

 

Then came the snakes, or as the ESV says, ‘fiery serpents’ that God sent among the people.

 

Many people died from being bitten by these poisonous snakes. Israel realized their wrong, and asked that Moses would petition God to take the serpents away. “And the Lord said to Moses, “Make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole, and everyone who is bitten, when he sees it, shall live.” So Moses made a bronze serpent and set it on a pole. And if a serpent bit anyone, he would look at the bronze serpent and live” (Num. 21: 8-9).

 

God made it simple for them. All they had to do to not die was to look at that serpent on the pole, and they would be healed.

 

The Old Testament always points to Jesus Christ. This story is one of the more apparent “types” of Christ, foreshadowing the true healing that would come once and for all. The snake was raised up on a pole – Christ was raised up on the cross. People could look at the snake and be healed – by his wounds we are healed.

 

Look and live.

 

God made it simple for us too. Not simplistic, no – there is a wealth of transformation that happens when we become believers. It is an ever-continuing process. Yet, it starts with simply believing and confessing (1 John 1:9).

 

More than even physical healing, God extends forgiveness to us in Christ. In the day-to-day-ness of our lives, we need to be healed of many things. We can live now at peace, and we will also live then, with him forever.

 

Look and live.

 

All our sin, our doubts, our mistrust, our grumbling – they often hinder us from looking to Christ. We know what he is going to say: give them to me. Take my yoke, for it is light. Sin no more. Rather than continue to go down this path of avoiding God and his grace, why not embrace it?

 

Look and live.

 

Israel actually wanted God to get rid of the snakes. “Pray to the Lord, that he take away the serpents from us.” But God didn’t. Instead, he gave them a way to be healed from the bites when they happened.

 

The deliverance from our problems and ourselves isn’t in God taking our problem away, be it sickness, our financial hardship, relationship issues, or what have you. He already offered us healing and redemption in Christ. He cares for all of the details of our lives, know exactly what we need emotionally and physically… yet the answer to our problem is not in the things he might provide for us, but rather in Jesus himself.

 

When the snake bites of this life happen, we need not become overwhelmed. We simply need to look to Him. We need to look. And live.

man shall not live on oreos alone.

Sustenance.

It’s a funny word right? I was the kid that survived on cheerios, chicken fingers and French fries, and peanut butter and jelly for probably the first 6 years of my life. I was so picky. Thankfully my stepfather came into my life and turned that upside down. At nearly every meal, a forkful of something that smelled weird, looked weird, felt funny or had onions in it was shoved in my face and he said, “here, try this!”

As much as I lamented those days then, I confess he is the reason I love food and am willing to be adventurous in my cuisine. I finally stopped resisting when he asked me, “have I ever had you try anything bad?” (maybe limburger cheese.) But it was true. The things he had me try were usually good, and good for me as well!

We have to eat to survive. Some of us enjoy that journey – maybe too much – and will try anything once! And some of us get through it simply because we have to, sticking to the basics.

And so we get caught up in the business of surviving – we must eat. So then, what will we eat? Will it be fresh produce, packaged cereal, or homemade oatmeal in the morning? Will we go gluten free, sugar free, fat free, or cholesterol free – or say, screw it all, I’ll eat what I want!

As much as I want to have a bountiful, all-natural diet, I am often in the last camp of late.

My personal opinion has bounced between many different camps on the matter of food, what I should eat and why I am eating it. I didn’t end up with a thriving 8 pound baby on a diet of French fries, I’ll say that much. But there have been times that the question “what should I eat?” has been such a burden to me, I throw up my hands in despair.

Then I reach for the nearest package of Oreos.

One morning I realized… I don’t spend nearly as much effort thinking about my spiritual food as I do my physical food. I crack open the Bible when I can, usually follow a reading plan. Depending on if the baby is asleep or not, I might have time to write and reflect. To engage scripture. But many times, I just don’t. I spiritually snack. Even then, the bits and pieces that I take in, well, don’t taste very good sometimes…

Deuteronomy 8:3 says, “and he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know […] that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.”

In this entire passage, God is reminding Israel of what he did for them in the wilderness and, in light of that, what they learned about how they should live. In reliance upon him.

See, in all of Israel’s grumbling and wandering, God didn’t forsake them, but instead continued to try to draw them to himself. He forgave them over and over again for silly stuff. Now sometimes there was punishment, yes. But he never abandoned or wiped them out entirely. When he fed them manna in the desert, he was feeding them of himself. Literally, it was bread from heaven!

That was probably, like, the perfect food.

All too often, I will dismiss a Scripture on a dull day, saying, “sure that was good, but it didn’t “do anything” for me today.”

The word of God never returns void. It always accomplishes its purpose.

To restore.

To convict.

To encourage.

To teach.

To rebuke.

God gives us more than food for sustenance. He gives us himself. First in Christ and his death and resurrection for our forgiveness and reconciliation – amen! And then in the Holy Spirit to always be with us, teach us and guide us.

Time in the Word is just as important as time spent couponing, meal planning, going out to eat and grocery shopping. Because we cannot live on physical bread alone. Our spiritual man needs sustenance too.

His Word is to be our food, our daily bread, as the psalmist says. Sometimes, that bread might not taste so great… but maybe that means it is all the more necessary to our diet.

Has He ever had you try anything that wasn’t, ultimately, good?

 

…God Blew My Flippin’ Mind! And He Wants To Blow Yours…

I so needed to be reminded of this today. Our God is so much bigger than our circumstances!

Urban Hallelujah

The ultimate prayer warrior stood before me. It seemed like her prayers always got answered, and whenever any of us needed some ‘extra help’ with the man upstairs, instinctively we always went to her. It’s like he heard her better, like after so many years of following him devotedly that she had earned some sort of special rewards program with God, where instead of a free pastry, she received blessing over every word that she raised to him.

In her time she had prayed over lost library books, ‘boo-boo’s,’ and for favorable scores during standardized testing. She had fervently been on her knees after deaths, divorces, and amidst the most concerning health scares…

But today she wanted to know how she could pray for me!

“I just need an apartment… without mice” I noted.

My grandmother stared blankly at me. There was no denying I needed prayer for much more than that…

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Emotions and Lies

Intro to Womanhood: What does Scripture say about women?

When I began writing a series of posts about womanhood, I knew I would get sidetracked, since I was expecting to have a baby within the next couple of months. And then there were the holidays, and then we moved, and in the midst of all of it, you can imagine that I sort of lost my way when it came to writing. But the Lord has a way of getting us back on track when we stray and he has done that for me today.

I left off getting ready to dive into various scriptures in which we can find some principles about womanhood. I didn’t want to quite go “character by character” and say this is what biblical womanhood looks like, but instead I am going to just throw some guiding principles out there. This particular principle is something that was ground-breaking for me nearly three years ago now when I was in the midst of wondering what I believe as a Christian woman. And it begins in the Garden.

We women are by and far emotional creatures. I tend to think of this as our strength, because we can often connect with others and sense the climate of what is going on in our relationships intuitively. My husband is a pretty quiet guy at home, but I can usually tell what kind of “quiet” it is: pensive, frustrated, hurt, etc just by his demeanor.

Being emotional helps us to connect with others and empathize with them in their pain or their joy, even when we may not have experienced the same situation ourselves. Or even better, when we have experienced something similar we are able to comfort and encourage and celebrate all the more! Feelings are truly a gift, and having them out of wack once a month is a small price to pay to be an emotional creature!

However, as we all know from experience, being emotional can have its downsides. Sometimes you feel like you can’t trust yourself and your own feelings. And in this fallen world, we have to remember that following our heart is not always the best option, because, like James says, “the heart is desperately wicked”! And we women are easily deceived by our own emotions and that can mess things up for us and those around us.

And women in scripture are no exception. Our mother Eve often has a target on her back as the one to blame for sin and the fall. But as a woman, whether it’s all Eve’s fault or not, we need to take a leaf out of Eve’s book (or maybe her dress).

“Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”  “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”  When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. ⁷ Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. – Genesis 3:1-7

The serpent deceived Eve, he “engage[d her] in a reevaluation of her life on his terms” (Ortlund, p 95). Isn’t that so like Satan? He drives home a point that causes us to doubt our confidence in God and what God said. Did you ever notice how Eve changed God’s words? God never told them not to touch – Genesis 2:16-17: “And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”” Outland describes this ‘misquote’ on Eve’s part something that “reduces the lavish generosity of God’s word to the level of mere, perhaps grudging permission…” (ibid).

When Eve changes God’s words, she puts herself in position to be God, of her own life, that is, and she puts her interpretation above the truth of what God said. I believe that her emotional response is part of what we still struggle with as women today. When we allow ourselves to be deceived because we don’t remember the truth of what God has said in his Word, we are liable to sin and to bring others, namely our husbands, into sin with us.

I am preaching to myself today! There are a million different topics to pull from this Scripture in relation to womanhood. I will probably revisit this to talk about roles and equality. But today is for introspection and some good ol’fashioned honesty.

Part of the issue in the Garden was that Eve was serving her own self-interest. Because that is what Satan is all about and what he lied to Eve about. “It was a lie big enough to reinterpret all of life and attractive enough to redirect Eve’s loyalty from God to Self (ibid, 96).”

What I found at the crux of my journey into feminism was not liberty, but rather selfishness. It was about me, my role, my importance, my worth, my actions. Me, me, me. As a Christian woman, am I not called to give up those selfish desires to be first in all things, and instead to submit to Christ as my Lord? That would make his words, his role, his importance and his actions, not to mention his worth as we were speaking of identity, the forefront of my life. There is no room here for me to look out for myself because in Christ I have already been made whole and received from him what I need in life. That is the truth I so desperately need to remember!

Jesus, save me from myself, that I would know the truth of your Word and its power in my life and in my marriage so that I won’t be deceived by Satan’s lies. Would you steady me in my emotions and my response to situations in my life; help me to respond with your truth, with your love, that I would be loyal to you first.

“Male and Female Equality and Male Headship: Genesis 1-3.”  Raymond C. Ortlund, Jr. Rediscovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. This was first brought to my attention in Ortlund’s article when I was researching different biblical responses to the feminist movement. This is John Piper’s book on complementarianism, a compilation of many different  evangelical voices on the issue, ome of whom I had heard of, suchas Eliabeth Elliot, others, like Mr. Ortlund, I never had, but really appreciated their viewpoints. Pretty much the sucker punch to all my feminist notions.

Filled

So this whole writing weekly thing has been a challenge for me. But here we are again! I have written more in the last two months than the previous 6 months combined! So it’s progress right?

I have had several things on my mind that I wanted to post about, but after reading a post from a dear sister in Christ that refreshed me, I just wanted to keep it simple this morning. As a ‘female theologian’ my thoughts on God come from Ephesians this morning.

I pray that they eyes of your heart would be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead, and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given mot only in the present age but also in the age to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

Ephesians 1:18-23

There is a lot to unpack in this passage of Scripture, and I won’t pretend that I have the most expert insight or that I have studied the original Greek. But as a believer with the Holy Spirit to guide me, I know that my Heavenly Father reveals himself through his word, so that is what I want to share today: an impression made upon me as I read. Which in reality is what I end up sharing, what we all end up sharing on some level, most of the time.

And that impression is this: that Christ is meant to fill everything. He is head over everything for his body, and everything else is subject to him. The prayer before that is asking for enlightenment, so that we may know his hope, his inheritance in the saints and his power in us. That is a big prayer! But when you think about it, if Jesus is meant to fill everything in every way, in fact he DOES fill everything in every way, then certainly that hope, the knowledge of that inheritance and that power is with us and in us.

With such truth as that, why do we spend so much time in doubt? In cynicism of God’s hand at work? I was humbled last week by an encounter with very positive believers, who truly showed me the power of belief in prayer, and in ‘trusting God. More often than not, I am prone to doubt God. Or at the very least to not give him as much credit as he’s due. I try to find solutions to my own problems or complain about things that I wish were different. Is Christ truly filling my life in every way in these moments or am I being Lord of my own life? I’m doing a pretty miserable job of it moat of the time.

Is Christ filling my life in every way when I question his plan in bringing us to a new place only to face opposition?

Is Christ filling my life in every way when I lack structure or motivation in my daily tasks?

Is Christ filling my life in every way when I express contempt for a fellow believer’s music or clothing preferences?

Or does he fill my life when I pray for his church that I’m serving? Yes.

What about when I am in unity and at peace with my husband as we go about our tasks? Yes.

Or when I have patience with my son rather than becoming angry as he cries wearily in the evening?

To let Christ fill everything in every way in our lives, I believe, involves that daily submission to him. Jesus, you are Lord over my life today. Over my words, my actions, my relationships. Fill me, so that you would be lifted high in my life.

If I can do that I know I will spend less time in worry, doubt and frustration and more time in joy, in prayer, and in faithfully trusting God. I would choose that any day! Lord willing I can choose it more and more.

Christ has filled everything – the scripture tells us that! For the next week, I am going to try to read this passage daily and submit myself to him, asking for that ‘heart enlightenment’ to see all that God has done in our lives, and all that he is doing. May each day be more and more filled with Him, and less and less filled with my own doubts and fears.

Good Soil: Living on a Prayer

I know, I know what you are thinking right now. Or rather singing. Woah-oh we’re halfway there… but I have a legitimate point I promise! I can’t help that it ended up being catchy.

My husband and I have finally arrived in Jacksonville. It was a long time coming, from last June when we first met Brian, the pastor of the church up here we’ve come to serve in, until last week when we packed up our little two bedroom apartment, said goodbye to our very good friends and left. When we received the call we were two; now we are three with the sweetest, most fun little boy in our lives. We made the decision through much prayer and tears, all the while as the Lord affirmed that we needed to be obedient and trust his faithfulness.

January had been a difficult month for me. The Lord is again rearranging the proverbial furniture in my life. Even more than when my son was born, I have realized how selfish I truly am. Not only that, but my struggle is self-righteousness. I want to do everything perfectly, particularly being a perfect homemaker, wife and mom (For more on that, see my post Definition of a Homemaker). As we moved to Jacksonville, we were transitioning not only from one place to another, but from a position of being served to serving others. For me to do that, my pride has to go, and I must be willing to give of myself to others. Part of that is not worrying about money, about the things that I have, and focusing on his kingdom.

The need to be in prayer has been on the forefront of my mind. I read this passage about the different soils for one of my first devotions since moving, I saw more in it than I have in times past.

“Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke out the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word and accept it, and produce a harvest – thirty, sixty or even a hundred times what was sown.” (mark 4:18-20)

My own heart is one of those soils. I don’t want to be the soil that chokes out any fruitfulness the word might bring, simply because I am worried by troubles of this life. I would rather be the fruitful soil that produces a crop, a crop that multiplies! In Matthew 6, Jesus tells us to “seek first the kingdom, and all these things will be added to you,” speaking of the things that “your heavenly father knows that you need.” Why do I worry?!

The hearts of the people in our church are one of those soils. These are people that I barely know, and when I first met them more than six months ago, they were collectively in a different place than they are now. We need to not underestimate what the Lord is doing in their hearts and lives, because it could be just as much as he has done in our hearts – they are just on a different part of the journey. That is why we are here.

When God told us to go serve, he never said it would be easy. And that reality is hard. If I am truly to be fruitful, and if the people God has called us to are to be good soil, I realize that there is only one thing I can really do. It is both the easiest and most difficult thing to do. I have learned much about it in the last two years at Cross Life, through teachings and through watching others’ examples.

Pray.

A comment was made before we left about praying as leaders. “don’t underestimate the power of your prayers over the people.” Praying for people, with them and just over seats matters. At different times in my life, I have prayed like this, but not very consistently.

As we enter this new phase of our life, living on a prayer, so to speak, it’s all the more crucial that we do live on a prayer. Instead of worrying about getting a job, praying for provision. Instead of being frustrated at things we feel we will never be able to change, let’s pray for wisdom in handling them. Instead of trying to make things happen and start things, praying for God’s timing. Instead of fretting that we don’t know people, praying for them even though we don’t!

There are always times in life when the challenges seem nearly insurmountable, and the change the Lord is making in your heart just keep coming. But the choice to be good soil, to be fruitful, to grow where you have been planted, relies on this power of prayer in life. I know that when we focus on his kingdom first, looking to live in his presence, he will be our safeguard, lead, and bless the work he has given us to do. Let everything else fall by the wayside!

The swallow like the one in the image above has often been a symbol, along with its nest and eggs, of motherhood and homemaking. Conjuring up the image of the cute little barn swallow, mending her nest, caring for her young. It is recently my favorite symbol, up there with an anchor (the symbol of hope), which I adopted as my main theme shortly after my wedding.

When I got married I was so excited about becoming a wife and a homemaker. I was convinced that my calling as a wife and a mom was the pot of gold at the end of this long rainbow involving work and being poor (well I guess that part didn’t change). If only I could just be a stay at home mom, life would be whole. And so I committed myself as a wife to learning and training myself in the different areas that a stay at home mom is expected to do: cook, sew, craft, heal, generally manage the house (aka dishes and laundry), and raise kiddos.

I had to wait on that last one for two years, but here I am finally a mom! And I am loving every minute of it. (When I am not completely exhausted. Or starving. And when my son isn’t crying his lungs out. So like 40% of the time… I’m just kidding. He is a precious answer to prayer. But still.)

As I have moved into this phase of mommyhood, the same old nagging paradoxes of wifedom hit me all over again, only now they have a few different facets.

Homemade or storebought – bread? Cream soup? Green beans? Which is easier? But which is healthier?

Should I coupon or should I do a local co-op to get all fresh, organic food?

Pharmaceuticals or essential oils?

Vaccines or no vaccines? Or a la carte?

Cleaning supplies or vinegar and baking soda?

Cloth diapers and wipes or disposables?

Should I buy curtains or try to make some?

What kind of ministry should I be involved with at church?

What pinterest projects can I re-use bottles for?

So then I end up with a closet full of empty containers, pasta sauce jars, toilet paper rolls and egg cartons for potential projects; a cabinet of failed diy cleaning solutions; a file folder of usually expired or almost expired coupons; fresh veggies in my fridge, half of which inevitably go bad before I can use them (unless I am especially proactive and freeze things); and in general just feeling torn.

I feel torn between this ideal that I can’t quite seem to reach, and this need to save money and live frugally because let’s face it, we don’t have a lot. I need to be a good steward with what we do have. There is no extra to go chasing new fads, or old fads for that matter.

My poor husband. He is truly a saint for putting up with my experiments. He once used a homemade shampoo for about a month before confessing that it made his head feel funny and he thought it might be contributing to his baldness… “but honey I used rosemary which is supposed to encourage healthy hair follicles!” Or the time that I made my own cream soup for beef stroganoff, and it tasted like paste. I couldn’t admit it was that bad but I hated it – so I sent it with him for lunch the next day. Even the seagulls at the park didn’t want it when he tossed it out!

Despite the failures and the various successes in these areas, for me it all boils down to philosophy. I have to be guided by something, I have to deeply believe in what I am doing, and I think that is true for most of us. If you don’t believe in what you are doing and firmly know why you are living that way, you will either be mindless, not caring how anything is done , or you will be  bitter because you want to something that you can’t have right now. I have been in both camps.

What I have realized in the last couple of weeks is that I cannot try to live my life based on someone else’s standard of perfection.

I have consumed endless books and blogs and pinterest posts about clean living, organic foods, and do it yourself-ness. I thought that that was what I needed to be in order to be a good homemaker and a good mom and to provide “the best” for my family. I enjoy homemaking; even when I was still working I relished the times when I could do the laundry and prepare dinner. But sometimes I felt so inadequate, either in our budget capacity to live an organic lifestyle (you know, when you have the grass-fed beef in one hand and the store-brand beef in the other and you just can’t bring yourself to pay THAT much), or in my own skills using cleaning solutions that I made; and sometimes I just didn’t even have a desire to do something, even though it would save money. Like sew curtains. Zero desire.

Instead, the choices I make need to be based on my own convictions, and need to reflect my priorities: Jesus, my husband, my son.

For Jesus to be a priority in my life I need to spend more time with him, in prayer and in the Word. I am not trying to “Jesus juke” anyone here, jut confess my own failure and where I wish I was. One thing that the Lord has called me to do is write, which takes time and discipline. Every four months or so, I cycle back and say that I am going to write again, and really focus on it. And then I get distracted by life. Part of my distraction has been homemaking. It wasn’t so much that I loved sawing paper towel rolls in half to make cleaning wipes as it was that I was avoiding the things the Lord has already told me to do by replacing them with my own goals – goals that once accomplished would make me look good in the eyes of people that I aspired to be like. They probably don’t realize or want to be put on a pedestal ad maybe it is all in my perception of them. Maybe they really do buy their cleaning products at Sam’s Club. But by and far, I need to spend more time in obedience to what the Lord has called me to do in addition to caring for my home and family: minister through writing, rather than on surf pinterest looking for tips on how to freeze raw milk.

For my husband to be a priority, I need to spend more time with him, praying for him, encouraging him and listening to what he is going through. Especially for my husband, I need to draw him out when he is pensive or troubled and be a listening ear. That may involve less time in my own agenda. Plus I am blessed with a husband that, while he enjoys homemade, healthy food, he will literally eat anything I put in front of him. Not picky. Blessed wifey!

For my son to be a priority, I need to be in the home as his primary caretaker. For a while I was excited about not working at all. But let me tell you, babies are WORK. Especially when you don’t. know. What. He. Wants! I said I would never work outside the home again – but here I am considering a part time job. At the moment, I have an opportunity where my husband doesn’t and we need the income. Am I bad mom for wanting to get out of the house and have some other tasks to do? I was very guilty at first, but realized that by working at a job I am using talents the lord has given me in other areas. However, this brought to light my reasons for staying home in the first place – to care for my son. It is not as important that he grows up eating organic food as it is that he is spiritually and emotionally nourished. That is my role in his life, superseding even physical nourishment. I will buy the canned soup if it means we have more time together.

When we make these homemaking decisions purely based on what people have said is best and healthy, even things that we read and research for ourselves, I believe the end result is to puff up our self-righteousness. “I know better so I do this for my family…” I am not saying that every woman who chooses to make her own laundry soap or use raw milk and or bake her own bread is self-righteous. Far from it. Some people have the means and the wherewithal to live that way. Pioneer woman all the way. But for me, to aspire to be like that woman is wrong. Because right now I don’t have those means. And for me to attempt to do those things actually takes time and energy away from my son, my husband and my calling to use my gifts, all in the name of “doing things right.”

I need a fresh start in my home. And it doesn’t involve throwing out my medicine and my canned food like I used to think it did. I will make healthy choices for my family, but I can’t let that be my consuming passion.

Maybe your niche isn’t raw milk or laundry soap. I don’t know, but I am sure as a Christian woman there are things the Lord has impressed upon you to do to serve him, and you think you can get to that after you establish the perfect home. I challenge you to lay down your own idols of perfect homemaking and the tensions you feel inside about what you ought to do to live right, ask the Lord to show you what your priorities are, and to continue pursuing him, pursuing righteousness, and let the rest fall into place behind you naturally.

Because the definition of a homemaker is not found in how she keeps her home and what she feeds her family. It is found in the strength of her faith, the breadth of her generosity, and the depth of her character.