It’s not miraculous but Greg slept for nearly 4 hours last night before he woke up, and I only had to get up three times (and I didn’t fall asleep in his room)! The last few weeks have been especially frustrating, with him not sleeping more than 45 minutes at a stretch unless he is in my arms. I have been researching everything in my desperate search for answers: how to get him to go to sleep, to sleep longer, change sleep associations and all while not letting him cry. It was comforting to find some blogs of other moms who are facing similar, if not worse, situations than mine, but in the end, it just prolongsmy misery and self-pity.
I am discovering that child-rearing is something everyone has opinions about. if your child doesn’t conform to what appears to be normal, two things happen: you get people’s pitiful smiles and you get their advice or speculations a to what is wrong. Much of this is from friends and family with good intentions. But mostly it serves to make you feel inadequate: what is wrong with me/my kid, that I can’t make him do this??
At the same time, when I am dealing with an issue such as Greg’s sleep, I find that I want something, anything to go on to know I’m not alone or crazy. I’d try anything once to see if it helped. To be able to say the magical words, “yes he sleeps through the night!”
So last night, I was looking up what others had done to help with nursing to sleep, and I silently prayed, Jesus please just help Gregory stay asleep tonight. And I heard his response to me very clearly: you don’t want my help. You want to do it yourself.
And it was just so true. I have been, ever since Gregory was born practically, trying to make things happen on my own and when there was success, I always attributed it to something I did. Or when his sleeping or eating or behavior have been miserable, needing to find an explanation and solution. Very rarely in my prayers for him, have I asked the Lord to help with our daily struggles.
Isn’t he the Lord of heaven and earth? Isn’t he all-powerful, holding the universe together? He cares for the sparrows and the flowers. As his child, he knows my needs intimately, and the little details matter to him. Why have I thought that this was an impossible struggle that I had to face myself?
We do this with so many little things in our lives, don’t we? It seems easier to try to ‘figure things out’ instead of asking God to get involved in our daily struggles.
I had to ask myself why that is…. do I not really believe that my prayer will be heard? Do I not fully believe that God is able to do what I need? I must not.
These feelings of doubt inadvertently affect other areas of life too. I hesitate to have people over sometimes because I fear their judgments of how I do things in my home. I find it hard to introduce myself to new people, let alone share the gospel with them. I want to be a fountain of life to my son, my family, friends, church and to everyone I meet – not a drain, a complainer, a ball of insecurity and fear. I need to be able to share my life, shortcomings and fears and all, not worry what they will think when I do. You never know who might need to hear your story.
I know my God is able to help me, and I believe he cares. Lord, help me to trust you more. Help me to believe when my struggle seems impossible, so much that I don’t even ask you to step in. Forgive me for putting limitations on your power! And Lord, help my baby learn to sleep without my help, and give me wisdom to know what to do.
The Stay At Home Wife 